Heart I have carried

Hands
gripping her so tightly sometimes
its as though I doubt her very form is formed and out
when once she swam, simply submerged in me
and my muffled lullabyes
would flutter by

And at my breast,
my sole quest
has become to nourish, expand
She's my baby honeybee
taking only what she needs, and
helping us bloom all around her

my petals are less taut these days,
womb weary,
but I am in deep respect, awed by every honest inch of me

She now commands a room,
bringing out the softest side of her adoring audience,
every sound she makes is awarded with a small standing ovation and a flurry of delighted sounds and blinding lights

To her, I'm a benevolent giant
who is there within the last note of her first cry,
asking for nothing yet getting to hold a bit of heaven

She taught me the basics of grace by simply arriving,
and within her sweet life
at long last, I have found my own

-Armored-
mi amor,
for this world may try to eat us...

to me, you are
the first green, rooted strong, that's brave enough
to show after a hard frost

a light for this path,
a way back home and a new home

My David,
my aurora borealis

There will be days and days and years to come where I'll be
a girl Goliath,
but continue to calm me, please

I live to live with you, mi amor

for this armor melts away with only your touch

my sweetest heart,
my bluest eye

my beloved

God save me from
all
the delicious bores,
two-headed politicos,
the constant parade of overly-pearly white teeth
and flawlessly manicured lawns, nails
and
trendy vintage and baby acorn salads
and the plasticization of the young and not-so-young
and
faux hawks and faux lives
with faux "hi's"
and faux "byes"

-starving for Audrey Hepburn and simple moments
alone with old earth and new eyes

In some rare quiet moments of these long days, I sometimes forget I am carrying such a gift

Swimming away, inside and out

Limbs ache, for every aching part is stretched to the limit and more - for us

I dive, willingly, into the chlorine-filled womb - to relate to you, to give strength to us, so you can get here safe and I can fight through this

Once in and surrounded by water, I feel as though my heart's come home

If they could see us now (the doubters, the weak, the snide and the pitying) -

the water swells and Thethys emerges...

It is no small wonder that I have summoned her strength

and prepare,

in the hugeness of love,

to carry you who carries our greatest, smallest world -

a tiny heart that's the heart of us

I drown my fear away

Lights on and suddenly, a whole world is there for the eager and hungry

I am fully stocked

Knives from your boss, a wedding gift

Cutting boards that have seen showy summer cilantro and many cuts as an amateur learns

how sharp sharp can be

I have seen your exuberance

I have seen you become more

...seasoned

I watched for hours as you painstakingly chopped, simmered, stole every bit of grandma's recipe,

impressing friends and your husband

I have seen you open new worlds,

splatter the walls like a mad painter/scientist

evoking the spirit of an ecstatic Julia Child and the

steel will (wool) of an iron chef

I can seem as foreign and expensive as your saffron threads

and simple as honey

I have seen you become his true wife,

getting the ingredients just so...

Inside of it

once every available limb stopped burning slow

and my heart ceased to race so frantically, I posed proper

breathing in (why cant I completely let it in?)

breathing out (missing you so bad, my "miss yous" miss you)

reaching out of the insides

leaves me full of enormous empty

clean again,

content for now

My whole body becomes more steady,

stealth

as stationary as Sinai

as soft as a sigh

or a cobra, coiled or reeling from an attack

sometimes the mouse that's about to be devoured...

or maybe, truthfully, becoming n o t h i n g

a board on the old wooden floor,

a blade on the lazy fan that barely moves the simple air around,

I disappear

staying quiet, still...

no one but you and I

I, who carries you like a Christmas present,

walking soft, with a grin and a

prayer

am overwhelmed by what I have been chosen to perform (what a gift! what a task!)

this sickness, this exhaustion is taking everything and everything is going to be fine

staying in survival mode, protective

no one but you and I

I, who has rivers and lakes and streams of strength that you may be surprised to see

I have evoked the spirit of my mother and my Mother

I, too, have swam and seen the beginning...